Amarsi un po' è un po' fiorire.
Lucio Battisti.
And instead, I did the exact opposite of you.
The opposite, I'd say.
I get up — or rather, I wake up, because sleeping has become an essential condition just to keep going a bit longer — I grab my phone, which sooner or later brings me some "hey, good morning" from you with some stupid song you then play 35 times in 2 hours, or something sweet that carries the day forward until "the next time you ran off on me".
Or I lose hours just watching you, lost, looking at you smiling, and I ask you why you're laughing and you're not really laughing, just smiling, and then in the end you laugh anyway.
You're so beautiful when you smile.
Otherwise we go out to do something, staying at "arm's length", but we always end up laughing, completely incapable of buying anything, like two donkeys wandering through the noise, incapable of hiding anything, at all.
Or I hang the socks out one by one, still matched by colour, on that ridiculous drying rack, in that tiny flat that, with you in it, almost feels like something out of Paris — except it doesn't burn for me.
Or I cook for you, and I won't tell you the secrets of my cooking, ridiculous too, because you'd probably cook them for someone else anyway.
Or you sit on the doorstep and you talk, talk, talk, talk, and I talk, talk, talk, talk. Because, you see, I really loved talking to you, truly, even when you'd cut me off with a dose of reality, saying this thing was some kind of systemic error or something like that.
But then you'd fill me with kisses.
So here's the thing: I don't want to lose you, and if it really has to happen, I still have to answer for all those mistakes first, those failures, all my pain, all the versions of myself that came before and got me here, right to this moment, in front of you, looking at me, and smiling.
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